The Role of Music

Once I got past the Dave Matthews hurdle, things went much more smoothly. I ended up making two CDs worth of songs I took to radiation therapy and alternated between the two. "Hold My Hand" by UNKLE was an unintentional but fitting way to kick off my radiation therapy, and it was the first song on the second disc I burned. The opening bars were an uncanny compliment to the hum of the radiation machine as it started its sequence and seemed a fitting way to kick off fifteen minutes of absolute stillness. It gave me something to focus on.

You'd think that sappy stuff from the Beaches soundtrack or inspirational songs like "I Believe I Can Fly" would seem like the things you'd want to hear, but not for me. I was more interested in songs that would keep me calm and distract me.

I also didn't want to put all my favorite songs on a disc, at least at first. I didn't want to have my favorite bands or songs tied to a pretty shitty period in my life. I broke that rule on my last days of chemo, though. Up until that point I'd never brought my iPod into the chemo area. I'd listen to music on the way up to the hospital, but not while I was tied to an IV.

But at the end I was feeling really, really shitty. The chemo had caught up with me by the tail end of it, and rather than getting my meds in a recliner, I was relegated to a hospital bed. The last couple days were the worst. I couldn't read, couldn't watch TV, nothing. The bloating and nausea were really getting bad. I couldn't get comfortable, and I had a high fever that came and went. I had little to no energy and my white cell count was dangerously low.

So, fuck it. I loaded my iPod up with two things: a Tom Waits show and the fresh-off-the-presses All Systems Go 3 from Rocket from the Crypt. Waits was touring the summer of my treatment, a real rarity, but I couldn't go. NPR had broadcast an entire show from that tour (!) and I'd downloaded it. A good friend of mine was actually at that concert, and had asked me to go. Waits played one of my absolute favorites in that set -- "On the Nickel." His storytelling and imaginative songs were a wonderful escape, and it took my mind off the chemo for a while. If I couldn't be there in person this was the next best thing. (You can download that Tom Waits show here).

As for Rocket, well, they were my favorite band for a lot of reasons probably best reserved for another entry. They'd broken up by this point, but still had a lot of unreleased material. The All Systems Go series collected all their odds and ends -- singles, alternate versions and so on. ASG3 had all that and more. Among the singles I'd heard here and there was what amounted to an entire album worth of songs I'd never heard. What a gift that was. I figured that the unconditional love of Rocket from the Crypt would be good juju in my fight against cancer, a rally toward the end of chemo. While I don't have the stats, test results or scientific proof that songs like "Tiger Mask" or "Total Bummer" kill cancer cells, I can't exactly disprove it either.